One thing that is difficult for me right now is how variable and inconsistent N is right now. I think that all of us are re-creating our identities all of the time, but most of the time we don’t even notice that. I don’t have to think about the fact that I’m a woman — it appears to me that it is a constant and unchanging fact of my life. It really isn’t, but that’s the way I perceive it. I also perceive almost everyone else’s gender identity as fairly fixed, even identities that in some way challenge conventional notions of gender. I have recently come to appreciate how useful this fixed notion of gender is.
The most important person in my life seems to change genders daily, even hourly. I’m never quite sure how I am thinking of him or how I should be thinking of him. Some days he seems so clearly male, other days he seems like he’s neither a woman nor a man, and still other days I think he wants to be like he’s always been (woman-ish) just with no tits. Some days embracing trans seems like a relief to him, other days he seems to think it is a terrible idea. He discloses things to me about his identity as if they are new, when I feel like he’s told me them many times before. Or I name something about his identity that seems clear to me and that I thought was clear to him, and he visibly blanches. In the morning he seems comfortable with himself and in the evening full of angst.
None of that is bad. I think it’s just the turmoil of the process. But it’s hard to live with. I get attached to the N that I knew at 5pm and then I have to get to know a new one by 6:30pm. I think he’s happy with where things are and that I can relax, but then it turns out that he’s suddenly back to “maybe I’m making it all up” and I have to decide how to respond. I wish I didn’t get so attached to one idea of him, but I do, and then I have to give each mini-N up when he dissapears, only to re-embrace him in a few days.
transmogrifying 